May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
