Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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