she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
