I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
