I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
