i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Small penises have feelings too.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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