I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
