i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
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There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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