he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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