I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
