apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
