Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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