first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
