I haven't been this sober since birth.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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