Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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