the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
