Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
