Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
