I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
