Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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