i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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