I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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