She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize