I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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