Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
