Where is the hickey?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
