I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
