Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
