so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
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Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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