Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
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I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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