Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
