My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
