i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
