Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
