I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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