so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
