I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
