tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
