Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
