we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
