at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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