took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
