you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
