The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
