a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
