Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
