I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
