I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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