In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
