He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
