He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
