i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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