its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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