go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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