he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
