I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
