Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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