i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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